Sex Lessons From Sarah, Part One - Swiss Army Man
by cuddyclothes
Summary: Now that Hank and Manny are on their own, Manny wants to have sex. But is it okay for guys to kiss? Hank freaks out. So Manny talks to "Sarah". Part of the After Verse: what happened after the movie ended.


"Hank, I'm broken again. My legs won't move. Maybe when I died again."

"Then stop dying," Hank grunted, hauling Manny up onto the beach. This was the PERFECT beach to make land on. Houses high on the cliffs, most without their lights on. A lifeguard chair lay on its back nearby.

Trash cans! Big, full, beautiful trash cans! Whooping, Hank dropped Manny and ran to the trash cans and tipped them both over, scrabbling through their contents.

"Manny! Food! FOOD!"

Half a hot dog with a bun! He shoved it into his mouth, closing his eyes at the amazing deliciousness. MUSTARD! This was insane! Pieces of hot dogs, a whole hamburger, buns, bread, a sandwich made with something green, candy, lettuce, an orange, how did people throw all this stuff away? Holy crap, a grapefruit!

Even better, the other trashcan was recyclables! A red woman's swimsuit. Weird. Cans, bottles, Styrofoam cups—he tilted each one into his mouth, savoring the dribbles of orange soda, cola, beer, weird strawberry water. He heard Manny singing.

"I'm lying on the ground

Cold and damp and wet

Hank's found some food..."

A full bottle of pineapple soda! YES! Hank twisted off the top and gulped it down. There was so much...and plastic bags, containers of all kinds. He gathered the plastic bags, shook them out, and scooped his treasure into them.

"Manny! We can last for days on this!" Hank piled the bags and bottles next to Manny and ran down the beach to see what else he could scavenge.

"It is so cold here

Out here on the ground..."

There were towels draped on the lower rung of the lifeguard chair. And—and a balled up volleyball net! JACKPOT! Hank gathered everything up, looking around to make sure nobody else was on the beach but the two of them. He ran back, dropping his treasures next to the plastic bags.

"Hank. I'm cold."

"Oh! I forgot! I'm sorry." Hank draped one of the towels over Manny. Then he rummaged in one of the plastic bags, finding a piece of a Hershey bar. "Here, try this." He broke the piece in hand, and placed one half delicately in his friend's mouth.

Manny chewed, his eyes lighting up. "Hank! What is this? It's beautiful!"

"It's chocolate. One of the greatest things humanity ever invented." Hank ate the other piece. He knew he should savor it, but it was too good.

"More, pleeeeeeeze?"

"It's gone."

"Is sex like eating chocolate?"

"I don't know." Taking another towel, Hank curled up next to Manny, draping it over himself. He put his arm across Manny's soaked chest. He heard Manny asking something, but fell asleep, the voice blurring.

The dawn sky was metal gray when he woke up, curled up around Manny.

"Good morning, Hank. Did you sleep well?"

Happiness bloomed in Hank as he remembered where they were. He didn't have a phone any longer. Nobody could find them.

"Yeah." He hitched up on one elbow. Manny was staring up at the sky. Hank was about to move his head, when Manny turned it on his own with loud cracking sounds. "Hey," Hank whispered. He moved forward and kissed Manny on the lips. Manny smiled.

"Do you have any more chocolate?"

"No."

"Please?" Manny whined.

"No! There's no more chocolate, Manny," Hank snapped. "You should be grateful I gave you that much. I could have eaten it all myself, and then you wouldn't know how good it is." He sighed, annoyed with himself. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. We'll get more chocolate, just not right now."

"Put your mouth on my mouth again."

Hank kissed him again, tasting the salt on his lips. His heart beat harder. He was in love. His first time, in love with someone who loved him back. Hank kissed Manny's eyebrows.

"Is this okay, guys kissing?"

Hank was taken aback. "No, guys don't kiss each other, that's gross," he said automatically. "But—but this is different—I mean, yeah, 'cause it's us."

"Have you kissed a guy before? I don't think I have."

"No," Hank said carefully. _Way to kill the mood._ "I don't want to talk about it."

"But you're kissing me. We're guys."

"I said, I don't want to talk about it." He heard voices. Turning, he saw a group about 200 feet down the beach setting out towels and umbrellas. "Shit."

As quickly as he could, Hank piled together his bundles and tore the volleyball net so that he could tie Manny on his back. Manny continued to ask questions about kissing guys, which Hank ignored. Weird enough he was kissing a guy, he was kissing a dead guy. Thinking about kissing a dead guy started getting him excited, a distraction he did NOT need right now. The people setting out towels were staring at them.

Packed like a camel, Hank moved away down the beach to the forest. _Dammit, Manny. Stop making me think._

After walking for several hours, they were deep into the woods. Hank guessed that rich people who owned those houses had protected land around them. Nothing more pretentious than pointing at the forest behind your house and boasting, "that's protected land".

After placing Manny on a bed of leaves, Hank divested himself of all of his stuff. Pent-up sexual energy was messing him up. Fortunately Manny's penis was staying where it was. Hank really wanted to open Manny's pants— _stop it_! Instead, he concentrated on making a temporary home for them. With his buddy's help breaking wood, using Manny's head for a hammer, and tearing up the volleyball net, Hank set about building a lean-to with a ferocious guard at the front. The guard had bottle-cap eyes and an angry frown made of ferns. He was carving KEEP OUT on the guard's trunk when—

"Hank! It's a giant raccoon!"

Hank's heart stopped. He spun around, only to see a large, curious deer.

"It's not a raccoon, Manny. It's a deer. It's harmless. It's more afraid of you than you are of it." He resumed carving. Once they killed a raccoon, he would paint blood over KEEP OUT so strangers knew they meant business.

"Hank, can I talk to Sarah?"

"What?"

"I need to talk to Sarah. I need to ask her if it's okay for guys to kiss."

Hank groaned. "She's not here, Manny."

"Tell her to get here, Hank. I need to talk to her."

Hank thought for a few minutes. Then he dragged Manny against a fallen tree limb, and scooted around where Manny couldn't see him. Hank lay down on the ground and relaxed.

"Hey, Manny," Hank breathed, in Sarah's voice. "You wanted to talk to me?"

"Sarah!" Manny cried, his voice filled with pleasure. "You showed up!"

"You wanted to talk to me, so here I am." Hank raised his eyes to heaven. _Jesus fucking Christ. I'm jealous of myself._

"Sarah, do you like chocolate?"

"Everyone likes chocolate."

"Hank gave me some chocolate last night. If I could eat chocolate every day, I'd be happy. You know what else I liked? Hank put his fingers in my mouth."

Hank froze. "That...uh...was nice of Hank."

"I want him to do it again, even if there's no chocolate. Sarah, I want his fingers in my mouth. I want to kiss Hank, but he's a guy. Maybe it's okay if he just puts his fingers in my mouth?" Hank was getting excited. He felt his penis hardening. _Wow, this is fast._

"You kissed him before. You liked it, didn't you?"

"Yeah. I liked it _a lot_.

"Then it's okay to kiss him."

"But guys don't kiss."

"Some guys kiss. Manny, there are people out there who don't know what they want until they find it. Hank likes it when you kiss him. He has feelings for you."

"Sarah, I want to have sex with him. But I don't know how, and I don't think he'll tell me."

 _Dear God in Heaven. Think of something._ "You've just started kissing, Manny, that's too fast. Much too fast."

"Okay."

Hank debated spending the next couple of hours sitting behind Manny. If only he could jack off—no! He'd have to wait it out. Maybe he could drive the deer toward Manny so Manny would think about deer instead of sex. Except for one thing: Hank really, really wanted to have sex with Manny. An image flashed in his head: Manny, normal, bending in front of him, mouth open—

Hank was so horny he was ready to pass out. _Fuck this shit._

"I have to go, Manny."

"No, don't, Sarah, please!"

"I'll see you soon, I promise." _The hell with it._ Hank scooted back around to Manny. Manny was smiling. "How's Sarah?"

"She told me it was all right to kiss you, but sex would be too fast."

"Perfect!" Hank gently put his finger on Manny's lip. "Pretend I've got chocolate."

"Okay." Manny opened his mouth and Hank gently slid two fingers in. Manny closed his mouth and made a happy noise. Hank laughed with delight. His cheeks stung with blushing. If only he could masturbate. He slid his fingers out of Manny's mouth. Manny sat, eyes closed, smiling crookedly.

Hank moved so that Manny couldn't see what was now a raging hard-on, grabbed Manny's face and shoved his tongue into Manny's mouth. Manny's eyes flew wide open, he struggled to get away from Hank. "Wharyaooin?"

Hank eased back Manny's head. "I'm kissing you. It's called French kissing. It's when you put your tongue in a girl's—somebody's—mouth and you can suck it, or lick the inside of their mouth, or they put their tongue in your mouth. Trust me. Just trust me."

"Okay." Manny opened his mouth wide. Hank leaned forward and put his tongue in Manny's mouth, then gently closed Manny's jaw. Manny sucked on Hank's tongue, and _goddammit this is amazing I'm gonna cum in my pants._ Manny was humming. The vibration went through Hank's body, making his hard-on hurt. Then Manny slid his tongue into Hank's mouth and licked the inside of Hank's mouth. Hank moaned, holding Manny's head, worried that if he let go Manny would fall over and take Hank's tongue with him. He couldn't help himself; he threw one leg over Manny's and humped Manny's leg like a dog. _Don't overthink where did you come from Cotton-eye Joe where did you go oh god this is so great oh god_

He couldn't help himself. He came in his pants. Moving his head, eyes squinted shut, he grunted and swore. And then it was over. His underwear was sticky against his crotch. Hank thought he would die of embarrassment right there.

Manny was puzzled. "Did we have sex?"

"Sort of," Hank gasped.


End file.
